Memories That Still Haunt Me
by EmLovesYouu
Summary: A series of oneshots based on the aftermath of the Season 6 Finale Lockdown - each chapter a different character.
1. Alex Karev

**Okay, my plan for this story is a series of one-shots; each chapter based on a different character. The one-shots are all based on the aftermath of the Season 6 Finale Lockdown episode. **

**Aha Jess….candy necklace in the couch :P**

**I really hope you enjoy.**

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**Chapter One: Alex Karev**

As an intern and a resident, he had seen a lot of terrible things; injuries one would think to be impossible and diseases one would think to be incurable. He'd seen patients with multiple bicycle spokes stabbed into his abdomen; patients with tumors larger than all internal organs put together; patients joined onto another by a giant metal pole through the both of them like a meat skewer. Sometimes he found it tough to be around these patients, though the majority of the time it was easy to look them by, because they were just patients; strangers who turn up in the ER one day and are gone the next. With people you don't know, it's easy to block out emotions and blur out their faces.

Though he didn't like the Mercy West residents much at first; they'd shown up on _his_ turf and made everything unbalanced; but Reed had grown on him. She was irritating and up-herself and sometimes obnoxious. She'd thought she was better than him, better than everyone, and tried her utmost hardest to prove that right. As much as she annoyed the crap out of him, she was a good doctor; and had he had the chance to know her for longer, she could have been a good friend.

So for Reed to be shot dead mere metres from him, impacted on him in more ways than one could imagine. He'd only been given seconds to think before the gun was turned on him.

He'd slept for a total of about an hour in the past week following the lockdown. He couldn't clear his head and whenever he shut his eyes images of Reed with a clear gunshot wound to the head, bleeding out across the storage room floor, flooded his vision. Small sounds made him flinch, and louder ones made him jump; the sound of gunshots echoing inside his sleep-deprived, aching head. He had not been able to ride in an elevator; the claustrophobia and memories of that day and the pain that had wracked his chest had him sweating from fear.

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He woke up to his own ragged breathing, once again, before the sun had even started to rise. He'd thought that once he'd got out of the hospital and back in his own bed, the nightmares would go away and he'd be able to sleep at night. He'd been home after being discharged from hospital for three days now and the nightmares had most definitely not stopped; if anything, they'd gotten worse. He'd relive numerous times a night the helplessness he'd felt as he saw, through the gap between the storage room shelves, Mr Clark raise his gun and shoot Reed right in the head, unable to stop him; as he watched her instantly lifeless body fall limply to the floor. Each snippet he witnessed took an agonizingly long time to pass, like moving in slow motion, though in reality had been over in less than a second.

Untangling himself from the sheets, Alex stumbled from the bed and made his way to the light switch. He knew he wouldn't fall back asleep and proceeded to find clean clothes in amongst all the clutter and dirty washing that had accumulated on his floor over the past week. Fishing through a pile near window, he picked up what he thought was his grey jumper, but was actually a pair of Lexie's track pants that she'd left behind. He stared at the pants, and then at the empty space in his bed she used to occupy, and then back at the pants. Bundling them up, he angrily threw them into the corner and went into the bathroom to shower; remembering the visit earlier that week that lead him to where he was now.

_**START FLASHBACK**_

_His hospital bed at Seattle Presbyterian was too hard; too flat; too white; too clean. The food was either stale or dodgy in his opinion. He felt sympathy for his patients now, wondering how on earth they got any rest with machines beeping constantly and nurses coming in to check your stats every half hour. Though, being kept awake was probably better than delving into the horror sleep had become._

_He'd been sitting up in his bed, staring out into the hall, as Lexie appeared in the doorway, an odd expression upon her face. _

"_Hey, Alex. How are you today?" Lexie asked, honestly concerned, pulling a chair up next to his bed._

"_Same old; sick of the place," Alex admitted, "what's up, Lex?"_

"_We need to talk."_

"_About what?"_

_Lexie sighed and shut her eyes for a moment before saying, "you're still in love with Izzie. Don't deny it."_

"_Okay…I won't deny it. Yeah, I'm still in love with her. We were married; that's gotta leave its mark," Alex said, pain arising from those memories._

"_But what about _me_?"_

"_I like you; a lot. I think….that maybe we could go somewhere."_

"_We can't go anywhere while you still love her," Lexie said, sadness in her eyes as she met his, "that day, with Mr Clark, I told you I loved you. Then you go and call me Izzie, telling 'me' to never leave you again."_

"_Oh God, Lex. I'm so sorry. I didn't….I didn't know. I….I'm sorry-"_

"_Don't be sorry. She was your wife, she almost died, and then she left you. You went through so much together; so, I get that you still love her. It'd probably be weird if you didn't," she said, grasping Alex's hand momentarily before releasing it and getting to her feet._

"_Lexie…" Alex trailed off._

"_Bye, Alex," Lexie said, kissing his softly on the forehead, "it was fun while it lasted. Really."_

_And with that she'd left._

_**END FLASHBACK**_

He'd sat at the kitchen bench for hours after the sun had finally risen, staring at his now freezing coffee, contemplating what to do.

When he'd decided, he went to his phone and hit speed dial; realising he'd never taken her off.

"Hello?" she said bubbly, obviously not having looked at the caller ID.

"Please…it's Alex. Come home."

When all he heard was the buzz of the phone line, he said again, "please, Iz. I want you to come home."

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**That's it for the first chapter. I'd really like to hear some feedback on this story, so please review and let me know your thoughts. **

**Love Em xXxXxxx**


	2. Meredith Grey

**SO, I won't be updating for a while after today cause I'm going away for 10 days but I thought I'd put this up now anyway. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Two: Meredith Grey**

Families, in her opinion, were kind of screwed up. No family is like those in the movies with the two kids who get along great and the two parents who love each other to death; they're all happy and shiny, _all_ the time. Her family was not like that at all; with the cheating, work-obsessed mother and alcoholic father. Incidentally, she'd found a surrogate family when she became an intern at Seattle Grace; Cristina, George, Izzie and Alex. They were all in the same position; screwed up families and work their only safe haven.

So she'd never been one for families, even once she'd met Derek. But when she'd sat in that toilet cubicle and peed on a stick, it kind of dawned on her that maybe having an actual family was inevitable; after all, she'd married Derek. And then when the letter P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T appeared loud and clear, and she'd shaken it a couple of times just to make sure, she thought maybe a family wouldn't be that bad after all. She'd actually kind of gotten used to the idea; before _it_ all happened.

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Rolling over in his arms, careful not to knock his wounds, she looked up, surprised to see his worried eyes staring down at her. She could understand why he might be worried; she had been kind of off the last week.

"Mer, what's wrong?" Derek asked, brushing a strand of hair from her eyes.

Tingling under his touch, still after all these years, she pushed herself up onto her elbows and sighed, "Derek. I have something I should have told you a week ago; two things, actually."

She watched his face as he waited for her to continue, to tell him what was wrong.

"Well, um. The morning of the lockdown, when you found me and Cristina walking around and you made us stay in the supply closet?" he nodded, indicating for her to continue. "Well, we were going to see you; actually, _I_ was and Cristina practically pleaded to let her come with me." She paused for a moment, willing away the feeling of oncoming tears.

"C'mon, Mer. Why were you coming to see me?" Derek prompted.

"Um, that morning, I don't really know why, but I did it and it said 'yes' and then I told Cristina and she asked if she could come with me when I told you so she could see if you cried and then you found us and forced us in the closet and-" Meredith said without breath until Derek placed a finger to her lips.

"You're rambling. Take a deep breath and tell me _why_ you were coming to my office," Derek said, rubbing soothing circles on her shoulder.

"I was...coming to tell you...that...that I was pregnant, but please, please don't get really excited now because you haven't heard the whole story," Meredith stuttered, unsure of how and what to say.

"Whole story?"

"Um, well, something happened while Cristina was operating on you and then Owen got shot and Cristina made me fix him up. I'd been under so much stress and I was so anxious when you got shot and then when Jackson pretended you flat lined and I was so scared and upset and worried. I'm so, so sorry, Derek. So sorry," by now she had a steady trail of tears running down her cheeks as Derek stared at her, completely bewildered.

"Mer, wh-why are you crying? Why are you apologising?" Derek stammered, putting his hands on either side of her face.

"I-I lost the baby, Derek. I lost the baby," she cried, collapsing against his good shoulder.

Derek was unable to form words; what words would make this any better? What words do you use to express the heartache they were both experiencing? What words could possibly be said to soothe that heartache? There _were_ no words, so he just held her; close to his heart, ignoring the fact that his wound was searing with pain.

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**I apologise for this being short but I wanted to get something up before I have to leave at 5 freaking am tomorrow morning! Please review and let me know your thoughts. Also, pm me if you have any requests for characters or anything like that. Thanks.**

**Em xXxXxxx**


	3. April Kepner

**So, I am back from my holiday – which was awesome – and I am already hating Melbourne's freezing cold weather after one day. I'd like to thank you for all the feedback and favourites/alerts I received. **

**By the way, the parts in italics are in the past.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Three: April Kepner**

People relate different colours to different feelings. Yellow is seen as happy and bright. Green is energetic and exuberant. Blue is for boys and pink is for girls. For everyone it is different; depending on who you are and what you've been through. Single moments can change your perspective on things in a flash.

_She was walking through the storage room, unaware of her surroundings; concentrating on that tune she'd been humming for the past twenty-four hours, wondering where she had heard it. She thought to her patient in room 473, clutching his sheets tightly in his fists as another wave of pain and nausea shocked him. She thought of what Dr Bailey had told her to bring back, racking her brains to remember what it was and cursing that stupid song for distracting her. _

_Running through the conversation she'd just had with Bailey in her mind, she didn't realise what was about to happen until she had tripped over and the floor was coming ever so closer, throwing her hands out in front of her instinctively. A wet warmth covered her torso instantaneously and had very soon soaked through her pale blue scrubs. _

'_Who spills something and then doesn't clean it up?' she thought as she began to push herself up. _

_Looking down, her stomach dropped at the sight of her red-soaked scrubs. As she looked around, the stale smell of blood became recognizable, and she realising shockingly she was lying in a pool of blood. Suddenly realising she's tripped on something solid that was still under her foot, she glanced around to see Reed lying lifelessly, a gunshot wound clear on her forehead. _

_Stomach convulsing, she got up and ran._

April dry-reached over her breakfast cereal, as her mum spilt the tomato juice on the linoleum floor, the red liquid quickly covering the majority of the kitchen floor. Distinct flashes between the spilt tomato juice and then the pool of Reed's blood and then the tomato juice again set in the nausea again. Red was now a colour of pain, of despair, of death.

"So, honey, after today will you go back to your apartment?" her mum asked as she mopped up the mess.

"I don't know. I guess so," she replied blandly.

Pushing away her cereal bowl, her appetite gone completely, she walked down the hall to her mum's spare room, shutting the door behind her.

She turned the shower on full heat and stepped inside, letting the scalding water run over her, wishing it to relieve the numbness she constantly felt. Picking up her razor, she proceeded to shave her legs. She let out a little squeal as the blade nicked her skin, and mistakenly looked down quick enough to see a trickle of blood ran down her let. Tears sprang to her eyes as red took over her vision and she leant back against the shower wall, sliding to the floor. She sat there and cried for who knows how long and hardly heard the knocking at the door.

"April, honey, we have to leave in fifteen minutes. Are you alright in there?" her mum called over the running shower.

She barely called out, "okay. I'm fine," without her voice cracking.

Getting to her feet shakily, she turned off the shower and instantly felt cold when she could no longer feel the hot spray of the water.

Drying herself quickly and slipping on her black dress and jacket, she left the room, blinking back any other tears.

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The car park was quite full when they arrived and she recognised a few faces of colleagues at the hospital. The foyer was semi-full as people passed through into the church and she paused, stuck where she was, as the photo of Reed surrounded by flowers came into view.

The feeling of remorse and sorrow in the church was overwhelming. She hadn't really imagined Reed had had a life and friends outside of college and the hospital; numerous tear-tracked faces she did not recognise. She was only one of many who had loved and lost Reed, and surprisingly, knowing she was not alone in how she was feeling didn't make her feel any better.

Though she had only ever been to one funeral before, her Pop's when she was only ten, she thought the service was quite nice; well, as nice as a service could be.

Outside the church, she bumped into Derek.

"Oh, Chief Shepherd, sorry, I didn't see you there," she stuttered an apology.

"Dr Kepner, how are you doing?" he asked, a feeling of empathy about him.

"Don't call me doctor; just April," she said quietly.

"Okay, but only outside of the hospital," he joked, half-heartedly.

"No, just April. I can't be a doctor anymore, not after this," she admitted, nodding her head toward the church.

"Apri-"

"I'm sorry, Chief Shepherd. I'm resigning."

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**Please review and let me know what you think.**

**Em xXxXxxx**


	4. Miranda Bailey

**Thank you so much for all the feedback – keep it up? **

**Once again, italics are set in the past.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Four: Miranda Bailey**

The Mercy West doctors had seemed like aliens when they'd first arrived; invaded, actually, when they'd first _invaded. _They were the enemy, the opposition, the competition. They fought for the best surgeries and knocked others down in the process. They walked around like royalty, chins up, looking down at everyone who they thought were less superior to them.

The females were bitchy; to doctors, to patients; though, they can't help it, bitchiness is in their nature. This didn't really apply to April so much, but Reed especially.

Jackson came off a little competitive, but it was Charles who had got her worked up. He hadn't just messed with reputations and rounds, he'd messed with a career, a life, a love. Izzie Stevens, teenage mother turned model; model turned doctor; doctor turned patient. That girl had gone through so much in such a short amount of time, losing Denny, getting cancer, getting married, losing George. She didn't need anything else happening to her. Then Charles came along; used her to get ahead, 'befriended' her then stabbed her in the back, distracted her so she made a mistake; a fatal mistake that ended a life, ended her career. So much fell out after that.

Charles Percy was the one who got on her nerves the most; he one who had screwed up life at Seattle Grace the most. Out of every single one of those invading, competitive residents, it was Charles Percy who she'd hated the most and it was Charles Percy who she'd grown the closest to.

_The gunshot ricocheted throughout the room, echoing in her ears as loudly as if something had been blown up a cm away from her head. _

_The thud with which Charles had landed sent vibrations across the floor. It was heartbreaking for her to have to lie there, silently, unable to comfort or help his as she watched in his eyes as he lie a metre from her, bleeding to death. She could feel his agony and see his body convulse from the pain. _

_Her breath was left behind as strong hands wrapped firmly around her ankles and pulled her from under the bed; her hands too slippery from perspiration to grab hold of anything. _

"_P-please, I-I'm a-a-a nur-nurse. Plea-please," she pleaded, almost breathless._

_Then he'd left and both Mary and Charles cried out; one from anxiety and the other from fear._

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"April, do you know where Reed is? I have a message for her, f-from Charles," Bailey stumbled slightly over his name. April looked very shaken and became more shocked at the sight of Bailey, who'd only just been allowed out of the hospital, still wearing her blood-covered scrubs.

All of a sudden, April burst into tears and her body slackened and slumped to the ground. Head buried in her hands, she continued to shake as the sobs racked her body.

Crouching down next to her, Bailey said soothingly, "April, I know that losing Charles is such a big loss and you knew him a lot longer than me, but it will be okay. He passed away fighting; he was brave. You need to remember him like that. It will be okay." Bailey's eyes were now filled with tears, though nothing compared to that of April's.

April lifted her head up and said through heart-wrenching sobs, "Reed's dead! She was shot first; that's how I found out about the shooter. W-what did Charles want to say to her?"

Sighing, she replied, "to tell her he loved her; but now, he can tell her himself. And no, it's not how anyone would like it, but as horrible as today was, we know that Reed and Charles, they're not going to be alone, they will be together. Just like you, you're not alone in this. You'll never be alone."

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Sitting in the front seat of her car, she took out her phone and dialed her ex-husband.

"Miranda?" he'd answered almost immediately, his tone clearly expressing his worry, "are you okay? I saw on the news, I can't believe it."

"I-I'm fine. I was wondering, would I be able to take Tuck tonight? I don't really want to be alone," she said, blinking back tears.

"Of course, I'll drop him over in half an hour?" he accepted.

"Thank you."

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The doorbell rang and she was at the door within an instant, bringing Tuck into her arms and kissing his forehead.

"Thank you. Again," she whispered before closing the door.

Sitting on the couch, Tuck on her lap, she bounced him up and down on her knee, the tears beginning to flow again as she realised everything she would have lost.

She hugged her little boy closer to her as she rocked him to sleep. After watching him sleep for hours, she finally drifted off herself, her sleep-deprived body taking control of her fear-driven mind.

And there they stayed, until dawn broke and sunlight flooded through the open blinds.

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**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. To be honest, I had a little trouble writing Bailey but I think I did okay. Please review and let me know what you thought.**

**Em xXxXxxx**


	5. Cristina Yang

**I know I haven't updated in a while so I apologise. I was kinda busy and really didn't know who to write next.**

"**Ow!" ahahha – funny story.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Five: Cristina Yang**

Drying herself absentmindedly with a towel, her mind drifted off; not to anywhere in particular, just off. That was until she began drying her arms and was brought back sharply to reality. As her hands moved up her bicep, she winced from the pain, tears suddenly appearing in her eyes. Looking down for the source of the pain, she saw it; it was hard to miss. Travelling down her inner arm was a blossoming bruise, a swell of purple and black. Moving from her left arm to her right was light glancing between mirrors; the bruises matching each other identically. She sighed as her hand went up behind her head and felt the also bruised, swollen lump that lay beneath her hair; a result of head versus metal shelf. Closing her eyes, she once again revisited the time in which they'd occurred.

She remembered how anxious Meredith had been when they'd sat in that cramped storage cupboard.

She remembered how Meredith had looked like she was going to be sick.

She remembered the determination and lack of remorse as Meredith shoved her backwards into a shelf as she ran out into the corridor.

She remembered following after her at full speed, worried at what lengths she would go to.

She remembered the petrified look in Meredith's eyes when she saw Gary Clark with a gun pointed at Derek's head.

She remembered having grab hold of Meredith as quickly as her mind could register.

She remembered restraining Meredith with all the strength she could muster, as the sound of her cries reverberated against the walls.

She remembered thinking, I can feel the bruises on my arms already.

She remembered feeling her own heart break, alongside Meredith's, as Derek flat lined on her operating table.

She remembered relief and anger at Avery for playing tricks on her, but then more heartache as Owen's body collapsed before her.

There was a lot she remembered that she wished she couldn't. Hearing Meredith's pain had almost felt like it was her own pain. When everything was silent, all she could hear was the echo of Meredith's screams, like it kept bouncing around inside her ears, unable to escape. She didn't want to remember Meredith's pain; when Derek was shot, when Derek flat-lined on the operating table. Meredith's cries were like an annoying song, she couldn't get them out of her head. Nor could she get the feeling of ice running through her veins and the excessive heart rate she'd experienced when Owen had been shot, to go away. The feeling that she couldn't help him, was overwhelming. If she'd broken down then, it would have been the end of her. It wasn't until she was lying in bed that night that she'd finally let the tears fall, let the fear escape, give into what had been holding her down all day. She had cried; a lot.

During all of this, everything she remembered, she realised she couldn't remember the last time she'd told Owen she loved him; kissed him on the cheek. She couldn't remember whether or not she'd told Derek how grateful she was that he hadn't turned Meredith back into that dark and twisty person she used to be. She couldn't remember the most important things, though she could remember the things she swore she would give a leg to forget.

It was in those horrid moments she had realised that time really wasn't something to muck around with. Time is wasted, time is taken for granted, and time will _always_ run out. Nothing could change that. Time was the one thing in the world that would stay in concrete.

Taking out her phone, she typed in a number she really never thought she would willingly dial again, and despite the late hour, she clicked dial.

"_Hello?"_

"Hi. It's Cristina," she said bluntly.

"_Cristina? Why are you calling? Are you okay?"_

"Yeah, Mum. I'm fine," Cristina sighed.

"_Then why are you calling? You never call?" _

"I realised that you can't take time for granted. So, I called to say... I love you," she uttered, the words seeming a little unfamiliar.

"_I love you too. Are you sure you're okay?"_

"Yeah, I'm fine. Goodnight, Mum." With that she hung up the phone and put it back on the receiver.

Making a coffee; straight, without milk; she climbed into bed and sat next to Owen's sleeping form. He wouldn't know of the giant leap she had just taken in making that phone call; no one would. But she knew, and that lifted a weight off of her shoulders she hadn't even realised was there.

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**I know it was a little short but there wasn't really much else I could say about Cristina. Please review and let me know what you thought.**

**Em xXxXxxx**


	6. Arizona Robbins

**I apologise so much for being so slack – sorry, sorry, sorry. I've been majorly stuck with what to write next, but it was pissing me off so I sat down and started writing whatever – so please excuse it this chapter isn't the greatest. And I could've sworn I started writing this chapter somewhere but I cant seem to find it, which means I'm probably imagining things and didn't start it at all. SO this is a tad small but at least its something.**

**Oh yeah, and Jess, I burnt the Hedley cd for you.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Six: Arizona Robbins**

For many, that horrid day had changed things much for the worse; for the majority, even. Most of the hospital staff were in a hospital, as patients, not doctors, visiting someone in hospital or grieving over the death of a close friend or loved one. A few were dead. That left scars. An experience like that, always leaves a mark. Sometimes you can see them, but more often than not, they're not visible. They're the sort of mark that takes more than antibiotics or surgery to heal. A mark that takes you who knows how long to wrap your head around, does not have a simple cure. First you have to grieve. You have to grieve before you can cope with moving past an ordeal like that. And grieving takes a long time. Grieving can last for years.

So, in amongst all these grief and depression and unseen marks, Arizona felt bad for feeling as though she were glowing. Does feeling happy when the hospital is in a time of mourning make her selfish? Is it wrong to _want_ to feel like that? She couldn't help it. She was happy; Callie was happy. It's times like these, _milestones_ like these, that happiness is present. And it was a milestone.

Deciding to have a baby is a milestone.

She didn't really know why she'd been so against children before now. She loved kids. She worked half of her week to help kids. The smile and joy of those kids were what kept her going. If the kids in the hospital were so fantastic, she wondered why she didn't want any of her own.

She'd felt horrible for Callie for the way she'd acted. Having children is what women do. It's practically a human right, and she'd tried to prevent Callie from that right. Callie had hated her for that. She'd hated herself for that.

But an experience so horrific, changed her perspective. When in the middle of a life or death situation, you begin to think about what you want in life, what you need in life. You realise things that you otherwise wouldn't have realised.

She needed Callie.

Callie needed children.

A compromise, so they both got what they truly needed. Obviously Callie had thought along the same lines. Callie couldn't live without her and she didn't want kids. It was a sacrifice Callie was willing to make; a sacrifice she wouldn't _let_ her make.

She'd give her children, as many as she wanted. It'd take a while, but they'd get there eventually. Eventually they'll be parents.

Walking through the hospital, she had to try not to show the happiness she felt she was about to burst with. The gloomy feel of the staff locker rooms was overwhelming. Being in there made you feel guilty for feeling anything _but_ sad.

She always felt so relieved walking out the hospital doors, into the fresh air of the car park; away from the darkness.

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"Hey Arizona," Callie greeted her, when she walked through their apartment door, pressing her lips to hers.

"Hey there, Calliope," she replied.

"_I_ have a surprise for you!" Callie grinned.

Covering Arizona's eyes with her hand, Callie led her through the front hall and down to the kitchen where she stood her there and told her to keep her eyes closed.

"Can I open them yet?" she asked impatiently.

"Just a moment," Callie said, concluding the final touches. "Open!"

She opened her eyes to see a cake, covered in pink and white icing, edible flowers all around the edges. The message piped into the centre was in purple icing in really fancy writing.

"Calliope!"

"Happy birthday!" she beamed, utterly radiant.

"You remembered? Amongst everything happening?"

"Hell, yeah, I remembered," Callie said, entwining their fingers together.

"Thankyou," was the only word she could find to express her gratitude.

And she never even told her when her birthday was in the first place.

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**Like I said, I don't like this one as much, cause I kind of had to find something to write, rather than have it come to me. And I know that this one was all happy and not really coping with grief, but no grief-inspiration came to me tonight, so this is what you got instead. Please review and let me know what you thought.**

**Em xXxXxxx**


	7. Jackson Avery

**I am **_**so**_** sorry. You have no idea. I haven't updated this is so long. I've been a little stuck as I wasn't planning on making this story this long, but I changed my mind. It sucks that us Aussies don't get Grey's Season 7 until next year.**

**This chapter is for **_**Alibrandi**_**, who requested it.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Seven: Jackson Avery**

He couldn't look at her the same way. She'd been one of the nicer residents when they'd merged. Meredith Grey was a seemingly happy and bubbly person, and he'd practically ruined her. He'd taken away the most important thing from her. He'd pretty much taken away her life. That's what it would have appeared to her as, even though his intentions were only to save a life.

Her face, her eyes, her tears, her screams. They were all he saw and heard whenever he looked at her. He could no longer have a normal conversation with her, without his guilt making him choke on his words.

Yes, he had saved Derek's life. In fact, he'd saved everyone in that OR's life. But he couldn't feel like a hero.

Meredith had been standing mere metres from him, when he'd had the quick idea of a way that they could actually get out of this alive. He'd tried to make eye contact with her, to show her that he was sorry in advance, so she wouldn't freak out like she ended up doing. But she wasn't looking at him; her eyes were dead set on Derek's unconscious body on the operating table in front of them. He didn't have time to reassure him, if he did, it would be pointless anyway, as their time would have run out.

Unplugging the machine and listening to the once steady heartbeat go blank, was one of the hardest things he'd done. But nowhere near as hard as watching his friend screaming her heart out as she sunk to the floor in a pile of tears and heartbreak.

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"Avery," his name was called out from the other end of the corridor. Jackson turned to see Meredith walking towards him.

She hadn't been back to work since the lockdown, which had been two and a half weeks. The word had spread between the residents that she had miscarried. And after losing Reed and Percy, knowing that he could have been part of what lead to that, was just too much for Jackson.

"M-Meredith, you're back," he said when she was close enough for him to not shout.

"Yeah, first day," she said quietly.

Silence hung heavy between them as the memories of the last time they stood together washed over them.

"Avery, I wanted to thank you," Meredith began, looking up at him, her eyes showing that she was actually being serious. "If it weren't for you, I don't know if Derek would still be here."

_If it weren't for me and the stress I caused you, your unborn baby might still be here_, Jackson thought guiltily.

"You don't need to thank me," he said honestly, not wanting to be praised for what he had done.

"I do. You took a huge leap in that OR, trying to deceive Mr Clark. If he'd caught you out, you would have been dead."

Shuffling his feet, he replied, "Anyone would do the same thing. If a friend's in trouble, you help them."

"I still need to thank you. Even if you don't want to hear it, I _need_ to say it. I need to get it off my mind. I can't keep sitting there feeling guilty that you don't know how much I appreciate what you did for me. And for Derek," she said.

"Guilty? What do you have to feel guilty for?" he asked, flabbergasted. "You weren't the one who made you think that your husband was dead and no one was doing anything to help him. I know I saved his life, but I literally cannot help but feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for."

"But I do feel guilty, which is why I am telling you thank you. Don't feel guilty, Avery," she said sympathetically, reaching out to hug him.

"Uh, Grey? What are you doing?" Jackson asked. When she didn't answer, he prompted, "Are you hugging me? You don't hug people."

"Shut up."

_**(This is where the line break should be)**_

**I know it's short, but I struggled a bit with this one. I'll try and update more often. Also, if you like the show Bones, check out some of my stories.**

**Please review and let me know what you thought.**

**Em xXxXxxx**


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